As a coach, I see the image that people can give to the outside world, and I also see the one that they keep for themselves. You might be the most authentic person to have ever lived, with the most close-knit community around you, and still keep things from them that you don’t feel like sharing. That’s why coaches and therapists are so incredibly important – you can unburden yourself by letting it out completely without fearing an impact on the relationships you have in your life.

This huge gap between who we are and who others think we are prompted me to write this post. If we don’t really know the people in our lives, imagine how little we know the people we have never met. Yet, we allow ourselves to judge them based on what we see. And the effect it has on our own emotional and mental well-being is tremendous.

A personal story

Before getting into the dos and don’ts, I want to share with you a story that happened to me a few years ago and that radically opened my eyes to the quick and wrong judgement we can do despite having very little information on what’s really happening.

One evening I was taking a stroll by the sea with my boyfriend. It is more like a bay with a small island in the middle, which I would say is about 300 meters from the shore where we were walking. When the tide is low, you could almost walk there. So we were walking at dusk when we saw something moving in the water. It was big white Labrador swimming from the island. There was no one around. It was getting dark. The dog was clearly lost. She managed to come up on the sidewalk. She was very cold and wet, and quite agitated. She came towards us and when I tried to gently grab her to see the phone number on her collar, she freaked out and started running as fast as possible.

On that sidewalk two women were walking in our direction. They must have been quite scared of the dog running towards them (who wouldn’t be?). The dog passed them and continued running until we couldn’t see her anymore. But when these two women arrived at our level, they made a comment that I did not hear because I was too worried for the dog. My boyfriend told me when we got home that they were very annoyed, and made a reproachful remark that we should have put our dog on a leash.

That wasn’t our dog. So we didn’t have a leash. We were trying to help a lost animal get home safely.

Here is what happened:

• These two women saw a situation: two people and a dog – and attached a meaning to it: these people own the dog.
• They then thought: “why are they not putting their dog on a leash” but it could have also been “people are so irresponsible”, “why are they not doing anything”, etc.
• The emotional response to that thought is anger, being frustrated and annoyed, disapproving.
• The consequence of these negative emotions was a change in behaviour: the comment they made, their negative attitude, the fact that they didn’t help us.
• Their behavioural reaction confirms and fuels their initial thoughts and feelings because they didn’t do anything to change those (e.g. asking us what is going on).

And there you have it, the endless cycle of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, started by a quick (and wrong) perception of a given situation.

What could have happened if a less judgemental person had witnessed the situation? This kind of cycle:

You can see how for the exact same situation, the way we are going to perceive it will dramatically change how we respond to it.

How to not judge (or judge less)

In this section I want to offer some tips I have learned with this experience, but also through the people I have coached over the years.

The number 1 advice I follow and give is:

Always keep in mind that thoughts are not facts

What you think is happening and what is really happening can be quite different, especially if you are not directly involved. In the story I shared, it was even the opposite: they thought we owned the dog, while in reality we didn’t. They probably thought we were jerks, while in reality we were trying to help.

We all perceive reality in a different way because that is how our mind works: we make shortcuts based on past experiences, on our opinions, values and personality traits. These shortcuts can be useful in common situations, but in others they can lead us to errors and mistakes.

We don’t always have all the information

We sometimes lack crucial information that would make us read a situation in a way that’s closer to reality, particularly if we witness the situation rather than being a participant. If you see someone doing something that you disapprove, remember that there are so many things you don’t know, including:

1. Their past experiences and education
2. Their personality traits and values
3. Their current situation
4. The way they feel in that very moment and what’s causing that
5. What they know, what they think and what they were told
6. Sometimes, you don’t even know their name

Check in with yourself

At any given time, when you feel like judgement is arising, or if you realised afterwards that you judged something or someone, do a mindful check-in to identify:

• What was the situation? (facts)
• How did you perceive it? (thoughts)
• How did that make you feel? (emotions)
• What did you do? (behaviours)

Then ask yourself: what facts am I not aware of? How else could I have perceived the situation? How would it have impacted my emotions and behaviours?

> Read More: 10 Powerful Habits Of Mindful People

Don’t judge yourself too harshly

Judgement happens. We all do it. What most of us don’t do is managing it and trying to improve it. Be kind to yourself as you learn to judge less. It’s about changing thinking patterns, and like any habit, it takes time and patience to feel natural.

> Read More: How To Be More Compassionate

Working from home has become the new norm in many companies who decided to opt for a fully remote workforce. Who needs an office when you can log in and do the job from home?

There are plenty of advantages to work from home: saving time on commute, offering flexibility, working from anywhere in the world. But the (apparent) lack of supervision and framework offered in an office can sometimes leave people unclear as to what they should be doing. Some of us find it hard to stay focused or we might need the daily interactions with others.

I compiled 15 tips you could follow to successfully work from home, whether it is for one day or full-time.

Self-care

1 | Set a routine

If you work from home for a day or two, keep the same routine you have the days when you go to the office. You will trick your mind into thinking this is a ‘normal’ working day. Wake up at the same time, do the things you would normally do, and use the extra time that would normally spend commuting for something meaningful (see #3).

If you are starting a new job that is remote, find a routine that works for you the same way you would do for any new job. Think about at what you are supposed to start working, and how much time you need to get ready in the morning.

2 | Get dressed in the morning

The temptation to work in your pyjamas is real, but I wouldn’t recommend it. You might feel okay during the day, but in the evening it will give you the strange feeling that you haven’t done anything productive, since you haven’t changed clothes in 24 hours. I know it’s strange but there is something about looking the part: if you want to have a successful experience working from home, you need to get dressed.

3 | Replace your commute with a self-care activity

No commute means more time for you. It’s important you use that time in a way that serves you best and that sets you for success for the rest of the day. If you can get more sleep, go ahead and set the alarm later (while maintaining your routine afterwards). You can also use this time for meditation, yoga, running, reading – whatever self-care means to you.

4 | Set working hours, and stick to them

Continue using the same working hours of your job if you are working from home for a few days. If you are free to make your own hours, it is still crucial that you create a regular schedule. And that you stick to it. There might be days where you work late, but if it becomes the norm your work-life balance will take the biggest hit. Make sure you check on yourself to see how working hours are affecting you, and set boundaries not to get there.

5 | Take real breaks

Have you ever worried that if you didn’t reply to a chat message within 10 seconds when working from home, people would think you were not working? I have! If you have too, it probably means the “breaks” you took during that day were limited to going to the bathroom or getting a glass of water. Those are not breaks.

What’s a real break then? It’s a pause in your work that allows you to change your mind for a while and to take a mental (and physical) breath. At work we get coffee with a friend, or we have lunch outside (or in the canteen – but not at our desk), or we go do a quick errand.

It might be difficult to do all that when working from home. Still, I would recommend at least 15 minutes away from your laptop in the morning and in the afternoon, plus a proper lunch break of 30 minutes to an hour. Spend it reading something unrelated to work, preparing lunch, making yourself a coffee/tea and drinking it on your sofa, watching TV for a short while, etc.

6 | Go out once a day

Even though the commute is the least favourite part of the day for a lot of people, we never really realise how much we need to get out of the house. I recently coached a client who was working from home for a few weeks and who admitted, to his big surprise, that he was missing his commute for that simple reason: going out. He replaced it with two quick strolls in the morning and in the evening to start and finish the day with a clear mind.

Productivity

7 | Choose a dedicated workspace

If you have a big enough house or apartment, find a space that can be dedicated to work. It doesn’t have to be an entire room, it can be the corner of a room where you can put a desk, at the condition that it is relatively quiet (cf. #7). If you don’t have the space for a desk, I always recommend to work from your dining table, but to sit on a different chair than the one you usually use for lunch and dinner. Because that will not be your usual seat, it won’t feel like you are working and eating at the same place.

8 | Notice distractions

One of the most difficult things to do for some people is to avoid distractions. Home is rarely the place of increased focus. If anything, it’s the place where we start to let go of the focus and the energy we put into our work during the day. Our mind relaxes and gets distracted. This habit can be a blocker when working from home. If you feel like you can’t focus on your work, simply notice what distracts you: are you checking social media, are you on your phone, are you thinking about everything but work?

You can decide to leave your phone in a drawer for a while, or turn off Facebook and Instagram notifications. Write down the thoughts that distract you if they are not related to work so you can go back to them in the evening and do something about them outside your working hours.

9 | Keep a background noise if it helps

Some people love silence to get things done, while others find silence daunting and work better if they hear some background noise. If that’s your case, turn on the TV, put some music or a podcast – create an environment that stimulates you.

10 | Plan your week

Working from home requires a bit more self-drive than in the office, because there is less peer pressure. You can find that self-motivation by gaining clarity on what you would like to achieve. Ask yourself: “at the end of this week, what do I want to be able to say about it?” Then reflect on specific actions you want to take so you can tell yourself it was a great week.

11 | Create a to-do list for the day

Once you have your weekly plan, it will get easier to create a to-do list for each day. You’ll know what to do today and the day after in order to execute your weekly plan.

12 | Keep track of your achievements

Because there is less visibility on what you do, it’s important you keep track of your achievements when working from home. You can use your to-do list as a reference point, or you can create a tracker – a simple word document – where you list at the end of the day what you have done. That will help you look at what is pending, which is something you might want to look at the day after.

Relationships

13 | Stay in touch with your team

Find ways to connect with your team and your manager each day. And I’m not talking about the usual emails and work meetings. I’m talking about the informal conversations that can happen in the office. For instance, you can create a separate group chat  for small talk, sending memes or making jokes and random comments. You can also book a remote coffee break with a work friend: you both get coffee or tea, and chat over a videocall the way you would in the office.

14 | Let the people you live with know you are working

The tips in the article mostly revolve around setting some boundaries for you to adopt a professional mindset in a place that is not for business (your home). One of the boundaries that is important to define is with others who live with you. It can be your wife/husband/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend, it can be our roommates, it can be your kids. Let them know that you are working and that they should avoid distracting you during working hours. Share with them the schedule you defined (#1 and #4) so they know what to expect. If they are at home during the day, you can go chat with them during your breaks (#5), but let them know it’s a short break.

15 | In videocalls, turn the camera on

Last but not least, we finish on a light note, but on a true one: if you have videocalls, turn the camera on. There are two reasons for that and they are about professionalism. The first one is that you want to show people that you are not in your pyjamas on your bed, that you keep your professional appearance even at home (remember, dress the part, #2). The second one is that it is impossible to gauge engagement if people don’t see you in the call. Show them you are actively listening and that you are not doing something else.

Feeling supported by people can have a great impact on our self-confidence, the decisions we take, or simply our outlook on life. Let’s admit it: it’s always nice to have people agree with us. There is a positive reinforcement that our ideas, our opinions are good – and who wouldn’t want that?

We tend to spend more time around such people for the way they make us feel. But what happens when we do things that are not great for us? Will they warn us it’s a mistake? It’s not that certain.

‘Yes’ people don’t have your back

Beware of people who are always supportive, because they won’t have your back when you need it. They will not tell you you shouldn’t call your ex. They will not tell give you feedback that will help you grow. They will not tell you these glasses look horrible on you. They will not tell you you have something stuck in your teeth.

‘Yes’ people are not, for the most part, ill-intentioned, I think it’s very important to mention it. There are many reasons why they are like this, and only you could start seeing it:

• They easily feel embarrassed
• They don’t know how to tell you in a nice way
• They avoid confrontation or conflict
• They are people-pleaser (they never ever say no)
• Or simply they don’t care enough

So even though they give us a sense of validation which we all need, it doesn’t always serve us.

Who you should trust instead

The solution to this, and I’m pretty sure you know where this is going, is to have close friends who will tell you things for what they are, not what you want to hear. They will act as your counterbalance when it is needed. They will be the pros to your cons, the cons to your pros.

Why is it so important? Because we look at reality in a biased way, all of us. Our past, our experience, our personality traits, impact our decision making, our assumptions and prejudices. And because we all have different backgrounds, other people will look at the same situation differently, sometimes with even more clarity since they are not directly involved directly. When they share their opinion with us, they open our visual field, they help us change our perspective or take a step back.

So be mindful of the individual style of people around you. If you’ve identified a people-pleaser, they might not be the best person to go to if you need an honest opinion about something. That doesn’t mean you should discard these relationships, just pick the right moment to engage with them. And embrace the ones who challenge you.